Post-trip Reflection: A Tale of Two Cities

Olivia: The rest we've gotten these last couple of days has been nice. To spend some time mindlessly walking by the shops in Antigua or laying in a big comfy bed was good for my body and probably my mind too. It all feels a little surreal though. Just a few short days ago I was eating breakfast at Doña Julia's, walking and climbing the wide streets of Sibinal, visiting and working alongside families who live in homes with dirt floors and tin roofs surrounded by harvested corn fields and newly plowed gardens. I miss Sibinal.

Antigua and Guatemala City are nice. They're filled with all the restaurants, shops, tours and beautiful scenery that any tourist would love. I get tired quickly in places like this. The pace is quicker here. But it's not the same kind of tired I felt after visiting the kids and giving them their medications or after mixing concrete for a family's floor. That kind of tired had a depth to it that's hard to describe. I felt like I had accomplished something at the end of those days. Even though I was physically and emotionally tired, I still had the desire to do more. Here, in the bigger cities, it's different. I feel like the way I exist in places like these, with its vacation vibe, is a much shallower way of living for me. Nice, yes. But at the end of the day I'm exhausted in much different ways.

I'm tired of spending too much money on overpriced food and frivolous things. I'm tired of walking around, avoiding traffic, and taking pictures of old buildings in true tourist fashion. I know I'm complaining. I ought to be more grateful - and I am. It's exhausting because while I'm attempting to enjoy our down time and pretend that all is right with the world, a reel of snapshots from Sibinal plays in my head. The kids, dirty bare feet, cook fires, scrubby farm animals, tired and weathered faces, dirt floors, ruddy-cheeked babies strapped to mothers' backs, big smiles, warm hugs, fresh tortillas...the list goes on and on. That - the good and the unpolished bad - that is the real Guatemala.

Here in the comfy cities, I find that I yearn for other places like Home or Sibinal. The places that make me feel like my life has both direction and meaning. Sometimes I worry that I can't or that I don't allow myself to fully digest or process profound experiences like the ones we had in Sibinal. Maybe because it's simply easier for me to slip into my old routines and carry on with my business...why continue to think and feel so much? Or, what if Olivia is actually rather shallow and simply doesn't have the capacity to process this experience? That's a fear I have. I don't want these moments to just roll off my mind and heart like beads of water on a windshield.

I want to chew on this experience. I don't want to take my privilege and resources for granted even though I know I will. I feel like I owe it to the families I met to not go about living life as if they had never entered my life. I don't really know what that means, or what that kind of life might look like...I'm rambling. Perhaps this is the start of the digestion process I want. I hope so. What just happened in Sibinal was important. Thanks for letting me process this out loud...Olivia.